I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
