One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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