Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So here I am, sexting at work.
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