at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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