Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
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New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
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So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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