We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
