God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
