I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
