I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
