i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
