this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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