Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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