Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
