You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
