you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
