thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
