When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
