I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
