now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
