He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
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It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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