and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
