Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
