I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
