somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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