It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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