you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
