and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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