i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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