It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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