he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
