man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
no you cant smoke seaweed
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Randomize
