Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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