So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
