happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
