Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
