You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
