So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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