As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
