Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
