if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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