y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
