A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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