I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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