I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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