tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
