$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
