About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
