I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
