I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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