o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
