you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
