Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
