Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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