How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
now i know why i became what i already was.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
