good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
