I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
