to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
