You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
