You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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