Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
